Nina Simone singing: “I got it bad (and that ain’t good)”, is the ultimate soundtrack to this crush. Sometimes (just sometimes) work life can be like real life, in that you happen to meet someone you actually really like. Someone who you look forward to talking to, who makes you laugh, who makes your stomach flip just a little.
However, there are still many crushing, crush-like ingredients, proximity being one (and this one is super-proximate) and unexpectedness is another: going for things you wouldn’t usually go for in a person. In this instance – having usually gone for what friends have often hilariously called ‘ugly men’ – I was extremely suprised that I could be so taken by this Banana and his very classic form. Although this assumes that we actually get to choose who we fall in like, love, or lust with, which is – of course – a fallacy.
In fact, in another life, in another office job, I once went out with a colleague who I wasn’t sure I liked in any sense, yet somehow we were a perfect sexual match and we enjoyed a very happy few months together, in one arena at least. As Christopher Hamilton has written: “You can love someone you do not like; you can stop loving someone you do like; you and your partner can still love each other but be unable to be together.”
The main thing though – shared across all crushes, in work or in life – is wanting them, desparately, egoistamente, Nina-Simone-ly, to like you back.
Hence this instant message conversation with LN:
Me: Do you think <Banana> (although quiet on the surface) is actually like the biggest flirt in the world ever?
LN: With you he certainly is, jajajjaa. Like seriously do you still have doubts? How old were you? 12??? 15??? Jajajajaja
Me: No – but I think he is like it with all of us girls?! I can’t figure him out, it’s kind of annoying cus I would rather he just left me alone to concentrate on fruitful bananas – jajajajaja! But cus he keeps on, it makes me too, you know? Does that make sense?!
LN: NO, he’s not like that with all girls, just you. You could focus on fruitful bananas if you wanted to, but you kinda like him as well. Jajajajaja
ME: Shit! Is it that obvious?! Jajajaja
LN: So, that’s why…. I think he is just SUPER nice to everyone but deffo has something for you
ME: He isn’t even my type!!!
LN: Yeah, obviously. Jajajjaa like you could actually pick who you fall for. NOT. Jajajaja
LN: Si, quizás todo sería más fácil….pero no aprenderíamos nada probablemente
Me: I do actually have quite a massive crush on him. fuckety fuck fuck fuck fuck!! I keep trying to make it go away but it keeps coming back
This banana just keeps running and running, I could have updated this story a million times already, but well, for now, for this part two, it goes a bit like this: a) talk oneself out of this crush b) something happens either to drawn me back in (a glimpse of flat, smooth stomach, a particular smile, the growing of an impressive beard), or I am forced back in by being encouraged to believe that they crush on me back c) repeat until madness ensues.
LN thinks I should talk to him, and she is right of course otherwise I will be trapped in this eternal Banana-circus forever, but I don’t feel very encouraged to do that after a previous attempt went a little bit like this:
Me: “I wrote about you on mine and LN’s blog, I wanted to tell you about it and at the same time I don’t want you to read it.”
“It is in the crushes section”
Him: “Jajajajajja, don’t worry.”
“Hang on, I am one of your crushes?!”
Me: “Yes, you were the original actually”
Him: “Jajajajaja, you are crazy!”
And well there was some more, but it all went along similarly frustratingly non-commital lines and nothing ever came of it.
Back to the seven circles of crush then.